Laura Mercier's Under Eye Perfector

My under-eyes are the colour of stagnant water. After really memorable nights they are even darker, like stagnant water with Ribena poured in. I need help. Some concealers are too dry for the eye and make you look congealed. Some are too dark – you want a shade or two lighter than your foundation, one you can apply in light layers. The ones that click up into little brushes are good, but I like Laura Mercier's Under Eye Perfector (18.50, spacenk.co.uk), which comes in two highly pigmented shades and makes you look like you've had your full eight hours.

Alternatively…

Bobbi Brown Creamy Concealer Kit 23.50, bobbibrown.co.uk
Clinique Airbrush Concealer 16, clinique.co.uk
Givenchy Mister Light Concealer 21.50, 01932 233824
Rodial Glamtox Eye Light Pen 35.90, asos.com

Tom prepares to trim his brother Patrick's curls. Photograph: Patrick Kingsley

The other day I was at the watercooler in the office when the deputy fashion editor swept past. "Nice haircut," she said. I swelled with pride. Not just the narcissistic kind – at last! Follical validation from a respected analyst of haute couture! – but fraternal pride, too. For this haircut was not just any haircut. It was a haircut by my brother.

For the past 12 months, Tom and I have cut each other's barnets. You may wonder why I'm sharing this information – we can't see what the fuss is either – but it seems to amaze enough people to demand some sort of demystification. So here goes.

Once a month, I pop round to Tom's flat, we watch The Apprentice, and then out come the kitchen scissors. One time I tried to watch The Apprentice during the haircut itself, but this ended badly. Tom is very dexterous but he needs direction, something I was unable to provide while watching Suralan and co. Facilities in the bathroom, or occasionally the kitchen, are limited. We have a small mirror, a towel, and a vacuum cleaner. "Would you like product in that?" is simply not a question we have the resources to ask.

The shebang all started when we were home last year for Easter. My curls were on the shaggy side, so Tom – always a pragmatist – whipped out the scissors and waved them at me. A tradition was born. From Tom's perspective, the arrangement saves him a bit of money. For my part, I get my hair cut by someone who does exactly what I say.

There have been a few bumps. Quite literally: I'm always leaving divots. In fact, in technical terms, I am a terrible hairdresser. I don't see this as critical – if your hair looks all right from a distance, who cares about a few bald spots? – but on occasion Tom has complained. One time it got so bad that he actually sacked me and employed a professional barber. It cut me deep – hoho! – but he soon came crawling back. He could take only so much chit-chat about where he went on holiday.

DIY haircut tips

▶ Go slow. I tend to hack away like the grim reaper in a plague year. But for best results, only trim a little bit at a time.

▶ Cut at an angle, rather than horizontally – and if you do make a divot, it'll be easier to cover up.

▶ Apply water for easier trimming. But hair shrinks slightly as it dries, so you'll need to cut more conservatively than you think.

▶ When the hair is the right length, reduce its weight by cutting almost vertically from the root. Don't close the scissors completely.

▶ If you do make a divot, don't shorten everything else to compensate. You'll make it worse.

Tangy tub: soak it up with Philosophy's pink grapefruit bubble bath. Photograph: Observer

I have approx two baths a year. Which is not to say I am filthy. It's not to say that, no. I am clean. Clean enough, anyway. But for me, baths only come into their own at times like this; times when the sky is as dark as a mood and the only good place to be is submerged in perfumed water. Bubbles you need: lots of bubbles. And a podcast playing, telling you stories. And a towel on the radiator. For the listening I'd recommend the New Yorker fiction podcast; for the towel I'd recommend one that's been through several washes and has a bit of fight left in it, and for the bubbles I'd recommend Philosophy's Blushing Pink Grapefruit bubble bath (14, boots.com) which is gorgeously unsweet. Now go – bathe.

Alternatively...

Chanel 60, chanel.com Weleda 8.95, weleda.co.uk L'Occitane 19, asos.com Laura Mercier 31, selfridges.com Rituals 9.90, johnlewis.com MOR 40, houseoffraser.co.uk Jo Malone 38, jomalone.com

Fingersmith: try Butter London's old-gold varnish. Photograph: Observer

Nail time! Sometimes it feels like a body isn't quite big enough for all the jewellery you want to hang on it. You've got, what, one neck? Two wrists, an ankle, a couple of fingers that are thin enough for rings? This is the opportunity to turn your nails into jewels. Metallic varnish. The way to wear it now is as matte as possible – use Rimmel Pro Matte Top Coat at the end if you like (4.59, boots.com) – and on long, pointy-ish nails, so they look a bit like serving spoons. I like the old-gold look of Butter London's Full Monty (12.50, butterlondon.com), which has the feel of tarnished wedding rings, and Mavala's Platinum Marble (4.30, boots.com), which is even odder – an old picture frame, found buried in the garden. OK. End of nail time. Back to work.

Alternatively

Illamasqua: Bacterium, 13.50, illamasqua.com
Nars: Diamond Life, 13.50, narscosmetics.co.uk
Deborah Lippmann: Don't Tell Mamma, 14, houseoffraser.co.uk
Topshop: Hyperreal, 6, topshop.com
Orly: Rock Solid, 9.85, orlybeauty.co.uk
Chanel: Peridot, 17.50, 020 7493 3836