I’ve been looking for the brightest red varnish. One reminiscent of a honeymoon sunset, or the floor of A&E on New Year’s Eve. One that blinds you with its very redness. I want a red with attitude, not a sultry red, or a mysterious red, but a red that stomps before you and screams about glamour. I want one that draws attention away from all the nonsense I’m spouting up there, taking the eye down here to where my hands are fluttering elegantly. Tom Ford’s Scarlet Chinois (25, harrods.com) is a red turned up to 11. A single coat will do. Similarly, Revlon’s Red Bikini (6.49, boots.com) is so bright you can almost hear it, and Dior’s Red Royalty (18, 020 7216 0216) is rich yet eye-catching. You should see how nice my hands look. Man.
Rimmel in Ready Aim Paint! 3.69, rimmellondon.com Barry M Lady in Red 2.99, barrym.com Mavala in London 4.30, johnlewis.com Butter London in Come to Bed Red 12, butterlondon.com Diego Dalla Palma #18 10, tesco.com